Thursday, May 29, 2003

Which Craft?
Morwenna Smith dabbles once more in folklore, crafts and customs
Knocker Benbow and the Shambles Curse

Knocker was the youngest of seven sons of Arvon and Gwinluggan Benbow of Bamboozle Cottage just opposite The Shambles, on the site currently occupied by the west end of Nan Uren's particle accelerator.

One night, as the story goes, Knocker was accidentally run down by a horse fleeing from a carriage, whose driver blew his horn at a cyclist trying to escape from a mad dog with psychic abilities that was chasing him down the road trying to warn him of the impending danger.

The cyclist survived, as did the carriage driver and the horse. The dog ploughed its energies into predicting further catastrophes, but was ignored and eventually sidelined in favour of quieter, less neurotic pets. Knocker Benbow didn't make it and wanders around The Shambles to this day as a spectral road safety campaigner, determined to exact his revenge of more pelican crossings and traffic calming upon an uncaring Town Council.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

All Aboard the Shoppabus
Trepanobus tlc Monthly Shopping Special.

To celebrate the imminent start of works on the new Poltescoes Ringfield Hypershop, Trepanobus are proud to announce their new special monthly Shoppabus service to Ringfield.

In its distinctive livery of gothic paintwork and re-adhered chrome trim, the Shoppabus - with its climate-controlled environment* - will whisk you straight to Poltescoes from your nearest stop, returning just five minutes later for the ultimate in express shopping convenience. Meanwhile, our new Shoppa BusPlus Returna ticket caters for the leisure shopper and allows you to stay much longer, returning relaxed and unhurried on next month's service home.


Ring Round10001100
Anubis Parc10021058
TREPANNING Bell End10051055
Desperate Estate1010no
Waiting Room arr.1050
Off Centre Centre10151045
Awsom Wells Parkway10251040

M - Monthly.
m - monthly.
For return journeys, read up the right-hand column from behind an inverted mirror mounted in an optical pentaprism dangled from a camera obscura. You may also find it useful to re-attach your retinas in parallel before the outward journey.
Full Trepanobus Spacetimetable.

Monday, May 26, 2003

Table Matters
King Kevin shares his knowledge of traditional Trepanning Fayre.
Crab Apple Mead

A variation on a traditional country brew, Crab Apple Mead was first recorded in 1647 by Simoine deQuiglea in the epic and fulsome diary entry he wrote on his deathbed. In it, he says:

It is mofte cirtainlye an acrid and repugnant biliouf brew fit for depraved foulf and madmen. As foon as I had partook of it, partf of my anatomy felt mofte fquifglxe and a nearby limeftone wall difintegrated.

Simoine deQuiglea died shortly after writing that passage in what can only be described as a massive chemical reaction that eventually dissolved his entire bedroom.

These days, the quality of Crab Apple Mead has improved somewhat. An insouciant and aggressive brew, with an immediate palate and a threatening undertow, the Mead is brewed from Crab Apple Cider, the most acidic substance known to man. A good mead will reveal an intense nose with a body of rotisseried summer fruit over a bucket of vinegar. The muscular taste has one reminded of lime pith and windolene with a squirt of kitchen cleaner, some burnt matches and a hod of bricks as the brew slips gently up and down your ailimentary canal in the characteristic "Crab Apple Peristalsis Dance".

All in all, not a drink one should approach in a glib manner, but excellent for dealing with all matters of personal guilt that sticking a fork in one's eye cannot resolve.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Last Orders at the Hole in the Head
Inn fitted out.

Notice is hereby given that the Hole in the Head Inn licensed premises will be closed for 48 hours from midday for its annual retrofit. We open again on Saturday lunchtime as usual for light snacks and heavy drinking for another year.

As any Hole in the Head regular will tell you, the Inn is open all year but has to undergo an intensive refit every 12 months just to keep up with fading fashions and outmoded decor. Recently, the success of the design movement known as Iconic Ironic has made our task even harder. Trite and tested banal surroundings specifically designed for our customers to feel comparitively stylish in can suddenly turn into retro chic modish espace d' vogue, instantly ruining the cutting-edge appeal of our customers' wardrobes in a single fashionable moment- hence the need for a retrofit.

We'd like to take this opportunity to thank our customers for the last year and apologise for the closure during these trying times. We hope that we can count on your support from Saturday lunchtime. Last orders.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Adding another dimension to shopping.
Statement issued for, on behalf of and by Poltescoes tlc.

Architect's Impression

Announcing Trepanning's first 23-hour hypermarket: Poltescoes.
Poltescoes are proud to unveil the future of retail in Trepanning. Three floors respectively devoted to Food, Non-Food and Sacred Hardware and comprising over 12 Cubic Parsec/Moments of Floortime volume, our Ringfield Hyperstore will be the largest retail operation ever seen in the village. So huge in fact that, as well as lower prices, we had to bend time and shoehorn in another four dimensions to get it all in.

So watch out for news in your local paper about the new Poltescoes.
Poltescoes - Your time, our space, whatta place.

Monday, May 19, 2003

Planning Application TPA #0000001/a
Permission to develop retail premises at Ringfield

Notice is hereby given that Trepanning Town Council Planning Committee have been roused from their soft slumber to consider a planning application.
Poltescoes tlc are applying for permission for the construction of a hypermarket at Ringfield, known locally (and incorrectly) as Area 23. A subsequent application - TPA #0000001/b - has been lodged for a change of use/zoning from "Classified Official Top Secret Compound For Nefarious Goings-On" to "Retail Hypermarket with Psychic Restaurant and Parking".

Any objections should be raised, in the first instance, by nailing a letter of protest to the door of the Planning Committee at The Council Offices, The Shambles, Bell End, Trepanning TR∞ within 7 days of the date of this notice. Retrospective appeals will only be considered with the benefit of hindsight.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Stargate Operations tlc
Notice of License Renewal

Notice is hereby given that the Custodial License for the Stargate in Fickle Fields has been awarded, once again, to Stargate Operations tlc. Two other companies - Timedilation Industries and Porkdrill tlc - withdrew their bids last night when both their share prices collapsed - coincidentally at the same time. A further statement, detailing the collapse and its causes, will be issued later tonight.

In its bid to renew the license, Stargate Operations tlc gave assurances that its interest in the ancient artefact was purely as "a historical curio" and that they would not be attempting to reopen the facility which has been under scientific investigation since appearing in Fickle Fields in 1985.

In its annual report to Trepanning Town Council, Stargate Operations tlc dismissed witness claims of plasma plumes and malfunctioning electronic equipment in the area, noting that the reports were "hysteria gone mad". The Company claimed that the witnesses, fresh from a stint in the Hole in the Head Inn, had probably experienced some kind of alien abduction in what was a relaxed and otherwise enlightened state of mind. The Council then decided to reject the witness statements as "wild, unreliable and wrong".

The Council approved the Company's proposal to extend the exclusion zone around the Stargate on grounds of public safety. "There are all sorts of mineshafts in the area," said SO CEO Ian Path, proposing the zone, "we wouldn't want anyone to fall down them without good reason."

The Council agreed and awarded the prestigious contract at midnight in a purely coincidental meeting in The Shambles Conveniences at Bell End.

SO, tlc is a wholly owned subsidiary of Time Tunnel, Inc.

Thursday, May 15, 2003
Which Craft?
Morwenna Smith dabbles in country crafts and traditions.
Hardcore Pixie Pete.

A much-feared character from fairy folklore, when Hardcore Pixie Pete pays you a visit, all the food in your house turns into lead-reinforced concrete overnight.

It wasn't always so. Before Pixie Pete went Hardcore, he was a likeable rogue, playfully tying the master of the house's shoelaces together or waking the children by pulling their hair at night.

But things went dark for Pete. He felt guilt, then crippling low self-esteem, then combined the two and felt his guilt itself suffered from an inferiority complex. Pixie Pete soon became vindictive just to boost his inferior guilt complex.

Once Hardcore Pixie Pete gets into your house, matters progress quickly. Within days you will discover tiny particles of cement where crumbs once were. After a week, your fridge will be full of patio slabs. A few days later, your larder will collapse under its own weight.

For all his dark power, Pete can be deterred from entering your house by burying a domestic mangle and a pair of cycling shorts under your doorstep. Many specialist builders offer this service commercially and will even throw a letterbox blessing ceremony or some karmic plumbing in for free. You could also try nailing a dead chicken to your door (this deters many other unwanted visitors too).

Monday, May 12, 2003

Notice of Ley Line closure
Tremenheere-Awesom Wells

Due to heavy engineering works, the above section of ley will be closed for 36 hours from 18.30 TTime tonight. Please tread an alternative path.

In line with the Council's duty to maintain paths, passages and ways in the town, to keep them unobstructed by litter and clear of pollution, notice is hereby given that excerpts from The Celestine Prophecy may only be quoted very sparingly along public channels. The Council is concerned that, without a working analytical converter being fitted, the path will become - as a matter of coincidence - polluted with menure of some kind.

Meanwhile, following the Drilly Day Cofechyrch Ceremony, spiritual resurfacing and renewal works on Ring Round will require that The Bridge Across Forever is subject to contraflow. At times of peak traffic, your symbolic thinking may be controlled by signals.
Lost Belonging
Announcement on behalf of Drilly Dreams Sleep Library

Can we just make an appeal to all our customers not to leave personal effects and belongings behind when they return from their dream. We have received complaints from customers who have hired dreams and arrive only to stumble over someone else's memory, or an abandoned Jungian archetype or, in one case, a 232 foot high bogeyman with electric teeth and laser-guided talons.

The Lost Properly Office have reported three items already brought in this morning: someone's appetite, someone's very nice faith in humanity and someone's job - although they might have just resigned from that one.

A quick plug now: we've still got plenty of lucid dreams, day dreams, even sweet dreams: not to mention a few well chosen nightmares in high fidelity super-reality-grade (digitally mastered onto Cro2 Metallic memory at 48kHz). All grouped together under one roof and classified according to Freudian psychology.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

St. Pineal Day calculations.
Prepare for Staring Sunday.

St. Pineal's Day, the feast day of Trepanning's patron saint set for Staring Sunday Third after Neuralgia, is almost upon us once again but, because of its proximity to Drilly Day this year, celebrations will probably be very low key.

This Sunday marks the Saint's Day, according to an ancient and controversial formula based on the Lunar Tax Year. For the first time, new accounting techniques have actually placed St Pineal's Eve five days later. The strange twist of calculation followed new transitional guidelines based on the qualifying reliefs carried forward from the Solstice. Vernal Equinox will be declared net of any balancing apparitions.

If you think this decision is wrong, you may appeal to the St Pineal's Tribunal Meeting at The Shambles, Bell End, Trepanning TR∞, stating your name, telephone number and number of past lives.

In accordance with the symbolic thinking behind St Pineal's Day, the Feast will end with a simile alluding to a mental image of a massive firework display. Entry TR€5.00

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Drilly Dayafter
Clare Terrace on the comedown.

A blustery breeze blows a plastic cup down a gutter on Desperate Estate. It rattles and scrapes random arcs until crushed under my heel. Nothing matters now, not even the cup which was adding a useful air of desolation to my writing.

Well, the flowers have faded and the final customers have left the pub with crumpled jackets and collapsed minds. The bus service is running, the shops are all open again and life returns to normal after the excitement of Drilly Day. What a day that was. Twenty four hours that seemed longer than a day but, at the same time, shorter than it really was*.

On Chakra Fields, the Trepanning Anti-Climax Male Voice Choir, quietly determined as ever, hum a simple downbeat progression while, all around, people sob gently at the beauty of the crystal morning. Meanwhile, the Massed Chorus of Sighs gathers along Anubis Parc and utters its finest futile exasperation - a beautifully pointless gesture aimed at a moment now passed.

After Drilly Day the town, as ever, is at the helm of the future, but the ship is empty, bereft and adrift without a compass or engines, carrying a cargo of who knows what to who knows where.

This is Clare Terrace, feeling remorse for a plastic cup at Drilly Dayaftermath.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

Welcome to Drilly Day
Don't miss Live Commentary Later on Drilly Day

We'll be bringing you the news and views from Trepanning's biggest day of the year on our special page later today. Bookmark us now.

World class reporters like Norris Green, Sammy Spells and Clare Terrace will be right at the heart of the action, inside the events that make the stories that shape the news. Join us later and watch an important international story via the wonder of HTML, two old soup cans and a long, wet piece of string.
Drilly Eve News
Tonight at the Labyrinth

At Sundown, the Labyrinth on Drilly Eve is filled with the intoxicating sound of laughter. Candles and flares light the entrance and dancers arrive and perform the Quantum Limp Ceremony. It is a clandestine rite conducted under an elaborate set of procedures and protocols used to call sixteen dancers forward with a special key they mysteriously acquired yesterday.

The keys are brought together and open a box containing 256 slips of parchment with a phonetic sound and a number on each. Uttered in rapid succession and correct order, the result is a sentence so unutterably beautiful, nearby farm animals sigh. If even the slightest phoneme goes astray however, the results are disastrous. One year a rasping noise like a tin-plated Mallard being fed through a cheese grater was heard as far afield as Polpot, where all the fish spontaneously lost the knack of breathing through gills and died of massive habitat aversion syndrome.