Pensioners "excused from tolerance" as Human Rights Declaration announced
Festival gets go-ahead as Grey Power conditions set.

A music festival is set to go ahead in Chakra Fields next month in what is seen as a test for new Human Rights legislation introduced by Trepanning Town Council.

The application to hold the 12 day "Psychedelic Brass" festival from Crisis Management, the owners and managers of The Suicide Basoonists, Big Tromboner and Oboe and the Oh Nos is thought to be the first time that the new law has been tested. As required by the Trepanning Declaration of Human Rights, the Town Council invited opinions in last month's consultation period and have now taken aboard the views of the sole respondents, the local Pensioners' League, the Grey Power Massive.

The GPM have now officially exercised their right, under the terms of the Human Rights Declaration to a negotiated 'opt-out' of those parts of the Declaration that specifically require tolerance or recognition of diversity.

The following conditions - suggested by the GPM under their opt-out - will now have to be met by the festival organisers:

1. All stages to close, stalls to shut and music, singing, dancing and talking to cease at 3pm precisely.
   Trepanning has many residents who are pensioners and are therefore excused from taking on new ideas or being in any way flexible or tolerant of others.



2. No outrageous hair or clothing styles.
   Many Trepanniers are intimidated by what you do with your hair and clothes. Boys, please be considerate and limit your outrageousness to a sports jacket and casual slacks. Girls: remember that you will be a married lady by the time you become thirty. You wouldn't want to be sullied by an horrific social faux pas such as wearing a revealing vestment at such an early stage.



3. No body piercings.
   Please do not puncture any part of your body other than the ears that God provided the ladies with specifically for this purpose. Male earrings are unnatural and abnormal. Have you no shame?



4. No homosexuals are to be permitted to enter
   Prospective Conservative MPs may experience experimental "feelings" however if they have a note from their form master.



5. All participants must be electronically tagged.
   It is a sad fact that these kind of events attract an uncouth minority of participants - GPM figures suggest about 45%. In order for those who step out of line to be hunted down and punished in an appropriate and summary manner, electronic tags fitted with audible lie-detector alarms must be worn for a year after the festival.

Provided Crisis Management can guarantee that these guidelines will be followed, the Grey Power Massive will be minded to accept the sad inevitability of having to let the festival go forward, after all.

Cornish village found on Mars.
Trepanobus Coachworks to build Mars Mission Module.

Astronomers working at the Trepanning Observatory have discovered a set of features they believe to be a small Cornish village on Mars. The features, located in the 3,000 mile-long Valles Marineris trough system, perfectly mirror the structure and layout of a Cornish village though scientists are warning that evidence of life there may not necessarily follow the discovery.

However, the controversial discovery is only the latest to suggest life may exist outside of Trepanning. In 2002, a delegation of scientists petitioned the Town Council for funds to mount an expedition to find the legendary realm of Ingland. After receiving a substantial research grant, the scientists were found several months later in a back street cafe slumped over a pile of Starcake Crumbs and babbling like children. A thorough medical examination revealed the team had "lost their minds".

In 1998, astronomer Terry Towling discovered a race of tiny "Faraway People" in a minute distant observatory. He later realised he was on his own observatory roof looking through the wrong end of the telescope. The year after, Towling caused widespread panic when he spotted "an enormous, blurry entity that threatened to wipe the world away". After the panic had died down and the window cleaners were paid, Towling had all his communication devices confiscated and was banned from looking at the sky.

This time, astronomers expect that research will have to be funded by private money: "It seems likely that Council funds will not be forthcoming," said Observatory chief Helena Slaphappy, "that's why I was pleased to receive a generous offer from Trepanobus Coachworks to build a module for a Mission. Currently we're in negotiations about whether we would like cigarette stubbers on the rear of the seats so I guess we've got a long way to go."

World in Miniature tourist attraction creates tiny universe
Model Universe not a model after all, say experts.


The Petting Galaxy part of Tinyverse on preview night.
Scientists who work on the creation of short-lived micro-universes in the laboratory were left "fuming" yesterday when theme park owners, Trepanning World in Miniature, unveiled one and opened it to the general public for the next six months.

According to the World in Miniature leaflet, the new Tinyverse is a "self-contained mini-universe complete with museum, gift shop and creche held in a stone circle virtual arena powered by a critically collapsed core of super-heavy Tofu - otherwise known as a Tofar".

Scientists have, for years, been trying to build small universes in laboratories but have only succeeded in creating tiny blips of hardcore reality that are extremely dangerous to handle and, critically- say World in Miniature managers, not a fun place to be. "Whereas a typical lab universe costs billions to generate, is small and complex, the Tinyverse is brightly coloured, fun and costs less than 30 Truros for a family of four. Kids are encouraged to get involved with science at Tinyverse: where else can they feed black holes and get close to planets other than our petting galaxy?"

Scientists, many of whom stayed away from the unveiling, declared themselves "disgusted in the name of science". Professor Hardy Polphetamine from the the University of the Third Eye argued that the Tinyverse was irresponsible and unethical: "Those are real solar systems those kids are throwing into black holes, just because they're shrink-wrapped and labelled 'Quantum Munchies' doesn't take away the fact that billions of life forms perish every day at Tinyverse."

Trepanning World in Miniature responded today by adopting a new slogan: Billions of life forms perish every day at Tinyverse™. Admissions are growing rapidly, it has emerged.

Waiting Room waiting room queue times targeted.
Town stamps down on "reckless climate of patience" at long last.

The Town Council is pleased to announce brand new performance targets for the Town's underperforming Waiting Room on Knacker's Track. The room, a "contemplative retreat where withered souls may be replenished by reading heart-warming tales in magazines" has recently widened its brief to experiment with "fundamental questions of self, alter-self and advanced navel-gazing". During this time, waitings times have spiralled with a non-therapeutic waiting room planned specially to accommodate spiralling queues.

Councillor Arwennak Reawla said yesterday, "This reckless climate of patience and quiet consideration is ruining all of our lives and must be stopped. Once upon a time, we could all have fun," he said, "now it's all 'examine your motives, externalise your desires, breathe deeply, release your feelings and let go of your sphincters', errrmm... not that I've been, or anything, really."

A recent survey carried out by the Town Council revealed that Trepanniers have less and less time to be patient and that a chief cause was growing levels of impatience with time. The cause of this impatience was laid firmly at the foot of April's accidental addition of over twelve days to the calendar, when half the town was trapped inside the Waiting Room. A new appointments system, based on an untested directive of the town's science watchdog, OFFBOFFIN, caused further chaos as dates and times slipped in and out of diaries and many people met themselves in earlier and later queues. A self-assembly bookcase from a lifestyle superstore eventually corrected the twelve day imbalance and many Trepanniers left the Waiting Room without clear memories but an irrational fear of allen keys and sustainable pine.

Quantum Vortex Technician required for busy alternate reality.
Trepanning Town Council is seeking a wormhole plumber for its busy five-dimensional office.

Are you a dedicated Wormhole Plumber with a 6794 Vortician's Certificate and a willingness to tackle a level of quantum reality that would make Einstein cry in a corner? Do you have extensive experience in manipulating spacetime and dry-soldering universes together? Can you be in more than two places at one time, no matter what Newtonian Physics says?

You could be the person we need.

Reporting to the Director of Reality, Broderick Castaneda, you have specific responsibility for the "hard-plumbing" of Trepanning's network of arterial conduits, pipes, and funnels. You should be conversant with all applicable network standards such as PAN 903.11 (Psychic Aura Network), ChakraBus and Third iPort as well as ley line operating systems, 5-D servers and JavaScript. A sense of humour is essential, as Divine Revelation occurs on a daily basis.

Based in our five-dimensional hyperoffice you will need a good head for heights, widths, lengths, time and qxuiggle. Remuneration depends on experience and will usually be made directly into your KarmaPal account in a subsequent life, where applicable. Please apply in the first instance to Director of Reality, Council Offices, The Shambles, Bell End, Trepanning TR∞

Trepanning Guild of Mediums and Psychics presents
Annual Ectoplasm Bric-a-Brac and Jumble Sale.
Off-Centre Centre, Saturday 9am.

Throughout the year a great many items are garnered from beyond the veil by our members through the medium of ectoplasm, only to be substantiated in our mortal realm where they are left - like us - as empty containers when all utility hath expired. This unfortunately gives rise to an imbalance between the Lost World and ours and so the Guild of Mediums and Psychics holds an Annual Spectacle of Commerce whereby its members can distribute said chattels to an Eager and Perceptive public.

Upon crossing the Threshold of the Sale, Members of the Esteemed Public can acquire all manner of goods - each one derived from the Kingdom of Souls during a session of the high Art and Science of Table Rapping. Many of the samples are cast in this world into the rare and mysterious fabrics of ectoplasm, Bakelite and Linoleum - all manifestations of the dark dimension of departed souls.

The Earnest Man may browse, without any fear - save that of God Almighty - amongst a range of goods symbolically fashioned into various sundries by Restless Spirits who walk the Road to Forever. Sales Tax is not included.

A full range of light refreshment for the living is available, served by wailing banshees of the netherworld, alone in the long night with biscuits and tea. A Meritorious Selection of the Finest Foods may be ordered upon arrival by taking one's place in the chair of the Nutritional Auragraph. The resulting Bromide will be read a gastropsychic who will cook your meal and then serve it by telekinesis. Following last year's unfortunate accidents, we kindly request you collect your own cutlery.

Country Views
With Enid Crumble.


Apparition Suggestion

This is a rare picture of the strange lights in the sky around the Oldecliche archipelago of stones at the centre of Ringfield - sometimes incorrectly referred to as Area 23.

While some are busy weaving fanciful tales of alien encounters and visits from the gods, scientists have a far more convincing explanation for this amazing effect. Light from the sun (not pictured) is split into three sections by freak super-raindrops made of syrup measuring 12.5 kilometres across and suspended in the atmosphere of Venus. When the three parallel rays hit the atmosphere of earth, they are deflected slightly like a stone skimmed off a pond. The rays skim three times, leaving tiny atmospheric abrasions though which rare daytime moonlight can leak. These moonbeams, say scientists, gradually erode away the atmosphere and help to make the holes wider. The moonbeams, according to the scientists, are nothing to worry about because they are composed entirely of love.

New currency enters last stage of acceptance.
Trepanning Euro doing well, say fiscal experts.

Trepanning's new currency - the Trepanning Euro, or "Truro" for short - enters its final phase of implementation tomorrow as Trepanobank stop accepting all old money - including the Dollar, last year's new coin controversially formed from an amalgam of quartz and clotted cream fudge.

After the failure of last year's Dollar, all eyes were on the bank as it proposed the new money. Former Fiscal Council Chairman, Ulrich Kneebone, spelled out 22 conditions that the new currency had to fulfil before the final switch, including the delivery of "sample notes" to an unspecified address. "I need to personally check their suitability," said the Councillor, shortly before signing the go-ahead, discovering his long-lost twin and mysteriously disappearing after a pile of his clothes were found on Shady Cove Beach. His unaccountably rich twin was said to be distraught and "spending money with a heavy heart".

Trepanobank will be open first thing tomorrow morning at 10.30 am and will stay open until 3.15 pm in the evening. Staff have received special training on how to open their counter blinds and many fear it will be the busiest day yet in their late teens.

Ronan Keating, Branch Manager of Trepanobank's Shambles HQ said: "People ask us all sorts of questions like 'What is this charge for?' and 'Can I talk to a grown-up, please' and we just have to take it on the chin and adjust their credit history later. That's why I think tomorrow will be a success. Sorry? Currency change? Ummm... "

Anyone unable to make it to the bank tomorrow is advised to phone the 24-hour Currency Helpline, where they will find a recorded message featuring hysterical laughter and playground chants of "Your money is worthless, your mummy smells of poo, the bank will close, and then your nose, will smell your daddy too ".

Trepanning Timebow completed.
Astronomer Laureate puts finishing touches to new feature for sky.

Trepanning' s Royal Astronomer, Professor Ted Settee, has unexpectedly finished his ten-year project to create a Jubilee Timebow in the sky.

The Timebow.
Created above Folk Rock, the new feature was commissioned in 1997 to celebrate the King's Balsa Jubilee in 2007. Preliminary research indicated a ten year project span. It was finished yesterday - four years ahead of schedule - in an unexpected turn of events that even caught its creator Professor Settee by surprise.

"I was at the Folk Rock Observatory, just absent-mindedly firing neutrinos into the leftovers of a tofuburger, when all of a sudden something very bizarre happened. The tofu began to glow and the more particles I fired at it, the hotter it became until a rip opened up along its side and a cascade of light shot out. Next thing I knew, there were bap crumbs everywhere."

At first, the Professor wasn't sure how to make use of his discovery: "I was just going to invent Glo-fu - the Partially Edible Light Source™, but the enormous power contained within the tofu needed a serious application. It was then that I realised that the makers of it must already know of its power potential - that's why they subliminally warned us by making it look like plastic explosive."

"I took my findings to the manufacturers and they agreed to supply me with enough Heavy Tofurium to power a kilometre-wide electromagnetic hologram: it's about the size of a matchbox, but it weighs almost as much as a car."

Heavy Tofurium 643 is the densest food known to man, even surpassing Cement Snax and home made bread. When excited by neutrinos, HT643 emits a long, low howl and collapses in on itself forming a rapidly-spinning molten core that scientists refer to as a Tofar. Professor Settee has now harnessed the power of the Tofar in the Folk Rock Timebow.

"It's all a bit of a pity really," said the Professor, speaking yesterday, "they called off the Jubilee, because nobody else seemed all that interested."

Postal Service introduces new letterbox.
Public Service Announcement on behalf of the Glorious Postal Service of Trepanning

After a long period of research and development, the Glorious Postal Service of Trepanning - GPST - has unveiled a new, even faster postal service called Quantum Mail which will enable letters to be teleported anywhere in the village in an instant via a brand new network of letterboxes.

The new boxes, painted purple, have had to be introduced because of the very different nature of Quantum Mail, the levels of gamma radiation involved and the potential fire hazard. Also, the new boxes are a fraction of the size of the conventional red Bent Time models they will eventually replace. They take advantage of the very latest in miniaturisation technology and are fully compatible with NanoMail packets up to 5 centimetres wide. Larger, conventional items may also be sent, but must be torn into smaller pieces before posting. Folding items, however, may lead to unexpected results including, but not exclusively limited to: damage to the letter, failure of letter delivery, letter returned to sender or the opening of a logic vortex that encloses everything within the letter.

Other aspects of the new service are different to what we think of as conventional mail. The nature of first and second class, for instance. As is the case now, first class promises instant delivery but, as it is impossible to delay Quantum Mail for any length of time, second class mail will now have a 70 percent chance of bursting into flames upon arrival, thereby successfully replicating the inherent inconvenience of the second class service in a different way.

Trepanning TV delay agony almost over.
Issued on behalf of the Trepanning TV Service, Transmitter Division.

Artist's Impressionism
The Trepanning TV Service (TTVS) Transmitter Division is delighted to announce that its next project - the huge transmitter tower pictured above - will mean that television signals will be able to reach every home in the village.

TTVS, the newly privatised national network, has been making and broadcasting programmes for over twenty years, but until now have only been able to distribute via cable. Due to a lack of inward investment, cable subscriptions have been restricted to anyone living within 10 metres of their Anubis Parc Studios. Subscribers to their service - Stoutband CableVision Express - also supply their own one inch-thick co-axial extension lead and a special connector fashioned from a wine cork and a straightened paperclip. Subscriptions are paid monthly into an old bucket slung over the TV company's front gate.

After TTVS was sold to Poltescoes tlc this year, modernisation became a priority and a new transmitter was the obvious place to start. Engineers faced enormous difficulties finding a site for the transmitter in an Area of Outstanding Electromagnetic Beauty like Trepanning. Their principle concern was to avoid forming alignments or patterns with historic, archeological or psychic artefacts. A breakthrough came early last year, but construction work was halted when the mast, three standing stones, an old bakery and two drain covers formed an exact pattern that turned out to be the first accurate map of Human Consciousness.

Now it looks as though the long wait is finally over. The new 100 metre tower will be built in Fickle Fields next Summer.

Battle of Evermore Authentic Reenactment, Operatic and Dramatic Society AGM
This Thursday at the Off-Centre Centre 8pm

BEARODS are proud to announce their 800th Annual General Meeting. As ever, the meeting will take place under rigorously authentic dramatic conditions. The dress code is hand-made fur, leather or sackcloth. Knotwork is compulsory.

AGM Rules.
The meeting will follow BEARODS guidelines for historical accuracy. There will be one long oak table lit by candles and strewn with half-consumed chicken carcases and goblets of wine. Points of Order may be raised by jumping on the table wielding a Saxon broadsword or by threatening the Chairman with a dagger. If you have any questions you can table them by attaching them to crossbow bolts and firing them at a nearby tree.

Order of Events.
The AGM starts with a blessing read by the Baroness of Light played this year by Miss Avalon Vapours and a curse read by the Baron of Darkness, whose part is taken by Jim Petalforcer. Some of you may remember Jim and Avalon's first dramatic meeting in the BEARODS production of Ring Wraiths in Love last year where Jim played Demon No.4 and Miss Vapour's Hideously Deformed Corpse sung love songs to him until her heart was taken by crows.

The meeting will follow the Agenda, as detailed below.

Agenda

1. Blessing and Cursing
   
2. Minutes Read, Apologies, Cup of Blood, etc
   
3. This year's production casting: Lord Foul's Oklahoma!
   
4. Appointment of new Wardrobe Assistant.
   Following the tragic loss last year of Michaela Anubis who became embroiled in a portal behind the costumes for Poldark and the Seven Hounds of Hell.
   
5. Report on takings from Oh! What a Lovely Demonic Possession!
   
6. Any Other Business, Cup of Blood, etc

After the AGM, members are requested to take their places for this year's Reenactment which is Lord Terror's Siege of the Castle of Clouds. Much as we like to encourage members in their improv, could we keep the maniacal laughter down this year as we are in a residential area. Any further disturbance will mean we have to fight next year's battle Glowering Dark Shadows at Nolight Towers during daylight hours, which rather buggers up the reality, people.

Come to Shady Cove
Advertisement promotion
on behalf of SCIoTo - the Shady Cove Institute of Tourism


Simulated View.
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Cliffside Caravans Quadratic Tariff Matrix
If you need help, please contact our call centre: Trained Tariff Mathematicians are waiting for your call.

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