Country Views.
With Enid Crumble.


This charming courtyard is the location of the Trepanning Beer Well, as found at the rear of the Hole in the Head public house. The picture was taken by our dear friend Mrs Arturo Polruan, who managed this quick snap before she was escorted from the premises on account of her over-zealous position on temperance and teetotalism.

The Well was previously thought to have been dug out by two generations of mediaeval monks using spoons as pennance for a minor incursion. However, Trepanning Diggers - archeologists who recently inspected the well - used the latest advances in scientific dating to declare that it has been here "for absolute yonks and then some".

The workings of the Beer Well are still something of a mystery. Last year, village Customs officials attempted to seize the well and send scuba divers in to locate what they believe is the source of the beer - a secret underground brewery manned by an army of spriggans and piskies. The Customs' secret brewery theory is widely believed to be the result of a tip-off from an habitual Hole in the Head regular as most drinkers at the pub routinely see piskies and hobgoblins all the time.

Parking arrangements: Trepanning Town Centre.
Pedestrianisation plans for The Shambles.

In keeping with the Town Council's 1972 Manifesto committment, Trepanning Town Centre has now been included in an Enviromental Improvement Area. Part of the work of improving the environment, the Pedestrianisation Phase, will involve removing all traffic from the streets around The Shambles and will start next week. The next phase of Environmental Improvement, to be completed by early next year, is the final de-pedestrianisation of the same area which will involve the final removal of all people from the streets.

Pedestrian access and entry to the area will be banned, but teleports at The Hole in the Head Inn and the East end of the Shambles will be provided for travel across the affected area. Passage takes approximately 22 minutes for the 200 metre journey. We are working on faster, "overclocked" models but these are less accurate and pose additional risk. Tomorrow's funeral of a junior lab assistant is in no way connected to this fact.

The new traffic measures are based on the findings of Hardy Polphetamine's groundbreaking 1970 doctoral thesis in the field of fuzzy values. The paper, The Mind of God and Town Centre Management. influenced both nuclear and unclear theory and led to the new science of Atomic Fuzzy Field Generation which supporters claim is so far ahead of its time, most of it hasn't been thought of yet. These new measures, however, are built upon tried and tested techniques we have learnt from our previous schemes.

Early incarnations of the theory were at the heart of several traffic flow schemes in the 1980s, when the conceptual framework had still to be fully worked out. As a result, many mistakes were made. A convoy of three beige Ford Fiestas were trapped in Eastern Close for 17 years while scientists struggled with the neutrino flow diagram from a collapsing White Dwarf. The White Dwarf was eventually proven to be in no way intrinsically or extrinsically linked to Eastern Close when the thoroughfare spontaneously became a supernova and the White Dwarf didn't.

In another scheme gone wrong, it is believed that there are still drivers trapped in Trepanning's Desperate Estate by a combination of No Waiting, No Stopping, One Way and No Through Road regulations. Food, fuel and mechanics are ferried regularly to the estate, where anti-matter traffic wardens patrol, threatening to implode the perpetrator of any Highway Code violation.

Teapots meet at the Off Centre Centre.
Tonight at 8 pm

Trepanning Energy Alternative Potential (Teapots) hold their AGM tonight at what the group describe as "a time of terrible glumness in energy issues". Organisers are hoping that the AGM will rally support for direct action against the new Tofu-powered Timebow at Folk Rock, commissioned in 1997 to celebrate the King's Balsa Jubilee in 2007. The new feature, created by Professor Ted Settee came on stream a month ago - four years ahead of schedule.

---

The Off Centre Centre now has the capability of supplying its own psychic power.

---

Speaking from his home, Teapots Head Organiser Andy Cabbage said, "The discovery of Tofu-power this year has been a disaster. I won't rest until Ted Settee and the rest of the team behind the discovery of Heavy Tofurium have 'Enemy of Planet Earth' tatooed across their foreheads. I'm willing to go to jail for my beliefs and have already instructed my solicitors to launch a night-time rocket attack on the Folk Rock Tofurium Compound if I am killed or detained by the quasi-crypto-fascist-backlash regime. I've taped them some New Model Army albums and they're pretty angry now and ready to carry out my wishes to the letter."

The Teapots' call to action comes shortly after the Off Centre Centre - the venue of tonight's meeting - announced its renewable energy program had made a breakthrough. "We have tapped enough Psychic Power to light up half of the town," said a Centre Spokeseer. "Unfortunately, it's mostly bad vibes right now because we generated it by driving a twelve metre cathode stake into an old Piskie burial ground and they're not happy at all. We've hooked it up to our Bad Vibes Unit and the BVU is discharging the negative energy as a Narrowband Bipolar Beam Emission and anyone who gets in the way of that can expect some tough shit to go down. We understood it hit a solicitors' office today, but there's no harm done."