All Aboard the Shoppabus
Trepanobus tlc Monthly Shopping Special.

The Shoppabus
To celebrate the imminent start of works on the new Poltescoes Ringfield Hypershop, Trepanobus are proud to announce their new special monthly Shoppabus service to Ringfield.

In its distinctive livery of gothic paintwork and re-adhered chrome trim, the Shoppabus - with its climate-controlled environment* - will whisk you straight to Poltescoes from your nearest stop, returning just five minutes later for the ultimate in express shopping convenience. Meanwhile, our new Shoppa BusPlus Returna ticket caters for the leisure shopper and allows you to stay much longer, returning relaxed and unhurried on next month's service home.

Timetable

Route	Out	Return
Code	M	m
Ring Round	1000	1100
Anubis Parc	1002	1058
TREPANNING Bell End	1005	1055
Desperate Estate	1010	no
Waiting Room arr.	∞	1050
Off Centre Centre	1015	1045
Awsom Wells Parkway	1025	1040
POLTESCOES	1030	1035

* Environment controlled by climate outside the bus.

Code
M - Monthly.
m - monthly.
For return journeys, read up the right-hand column from behind an inverted mirror mounted in an optical pentaprism dangled from a camera obscura. You may also find it useful to re-attach your retinas in parallel before the outward journey.
Full Trepanobus Spacetimetable.

Last Orders at the Hole in the Head
Inn fitted out.

Notice is hereby given that the Hole in the Head Inn licensed premises will be closed for 48 hours from midday for its annual retrofit. We open again on Saturday lunchtime as usual for light snacks and heavy drinking for another year.

As any Hole in the Head regular will tell you, the Inn is open all year but has to undergo an intensive refit every 12 months just to keep up with fading fashions and outmoded decor. Recently, the success of the design movement known as Iconic Ironic has made our task even harder. Trite and tested banal surroundings specifically designed for our customers to feel comparitively stylish in can suddenly turn into retro chic modish espace d' vogue, instantly ruining the cutting-edge appeal of our customers' wardrobes in a single fashionable moment- hence the need for a retrofit.

We'd like to take this opportunity to thank our customers for the last year and apologise for the closure during these trying times. We hope that we can count on your support from Saturday lunchtime. Last orders.
Issued by The Landlord, The Hole in the Head Inn.

Adding another dimension to shopping.
Statement issued for, on behalf of and by Poltescoes tlc.


Serving Suggestion

Announcing Trepanning's first 23-hour hypermarket: Poltescoes.
Poltescoes are proud to unveil the future of retail in Trepanning. Three floors respectively devoted to Food, Non-Food and Sacred Hardware and comprising over 12 Cubic Parsec/Moments of Floortime volume, our Ringfield Hyperstore will be the largest retail operation ever seen in the village. So huge in fact that, as well as lower prices, we had to bend time and shoehorn in another four dimensions to get it all in.

So watch out for news in your local paper about the new Poltescoes.
Poltescoes - Your time, our space, whatta place.™

Planning Application TPA #0000001/a
Permission to develop retail premises at Ringfield

Notice is hereby given that Trepanning Town Council Planning Committee have been roused from their soft slumber to consider a planning application.
Poltescoes tlc are applying for permission for the construction of a hypermarket at Ringfield, known locally (and incorrectly) as Area 23. A subsequent application - TPA #0000001/b - has been lodged for a change of use/zoning from "Classified Official Top Secret Compound For Nefarious Goings-On" to "Retail Hypermarket with Psychic Restaurant and Parking".

Any objections should be raised, in the first instance, by nailing a letter of protest to the door of the Planning Committee at The Council Offices, The Shambles, Bell End, Trepanning TR∞ within 7 days of the date of this notice. Retrospective appeals will only be considered with the benefit of hindsight.

Stargate Operations tlc
Notice of License Renewal

Notice is hereby given that the Custodial License for the Stargate in Fickle Fields has been awarded, once again, to Stargate Operations tlc. Two other companies - Timedilation Industries and Porkdrill tlc - withdrew their bids last night when both their share prices collapsed - coincidentally at the same time. A further statement, detailing the collapse and its causes, will be issued later tonight.

In its bid to renew the license, Stargate Operations tlc gave assurances that its interest in the ancient artefact was purely as "a historical curio" and that they would not be attempting to reopen the facility which has been under scientific investigation since appearing in Fickle Fields in 1985.

In its annual report to Trepanning Town Council, Stargate Operations tlc dismissed witness claims of plasma plumes and malfunctioning electronic equipment in the area, noting that the reports were "hysteria gone mad". The Company claimed that the witnesses, fresh from a stint in the Hole in the Head Inn, had probably experienced some kind of alien abduction in what was a relaxed and otherwise enlightened state of mind. The Council then decided to reject the witness statements as "wild, unreliable and wrong".

The Council approved the Company's proposal to extend the exclusion zone around the Stargate on grounds of public safety. "There are all sorts of mineshafts in the area," said SO CEO Ian Path, proposing the zone, "we wouldn't want anyone to fall down them without good reason."

The Council agreed and awarded the prestigious contract at midnight in a purely coincidental meeting in The Shambles Conveniences at Bell End.

SO, tlc is a wholly owned subsidiary of Time Tunnel, Inc.

Thursday, May 15, 2003
Which Craft?
Morwenna Smith dabbles in country crafts and traditions.
Hardcore Pixie Pete.

A much-feared character from fairy folklore, when Hardcore Pixie Pete pays you a visit, all the food in your house turns into lead-reinforced concrete overnight.

It wasn't always so. Before Pixie Pete went Hardcore, he was a likeable rogue, playfully tying the master of the house's shoelaces together or waking the children by pulling their hair at night.

But things went dark for Pete. He felt guilt, then crippling low self-esteem, then combined the two and felt his guilt itself suffered from an inferiority complex. Pixie Pete soon became vindictive just to boost his inferior guilt complex.

Once Hardcore Pixie Pete gets into your house, matters progress quickly. Within days you will discover tiny particles of cement where crumbs once were. After a week, your fridge will be full of patio slabs. A few days later, your larder will collapse under its own weight.

For all his dark power, Pete can be deterred from entering your house by burying a domestic mangle and a pair of cycling shorts under your doorstep. Many specialist builders offer this service commercially and will even throw a letterbox blessing ceremony or some karmic plumbing in for free. You could also try nailing a dead chicken to your door (this deters many other unwanted visitors too).
Chanted by Morwenna Smith

Notice of Ley Line closure
Tremenheere-Awesom Wells

Due to heavy engineering works, the above section of ley will be closed for 36 hours from 18.30 TTime tonight. Please tread an alternative path.

In line with the Council's duty to maintain paths, passages and ways in the town, to keep them unobstructed by litter and clear of pollution, notice is hereby given that excerpts from The Celestine Prophecy may only be quoted very sparingly along public channels. The Council is concerned that, without a working analytical converter being fitted, the path will become - as a matter of coincidence - polluted with menure of some kind.

Meanwhile, following the Drilly Day Cofechyrch Ceremony, spiritual resurfacing and renewal works on Ring Round will require that The Bridge Across Forever is subject to contraflow. At times of peak traffic, your symbolic thinking may be controlled by signals.

Lost Belonging
Announcement on behalf of Drilly Dreams Sleep Library

Can we just make an appeal to all our customers not to leave personal effects and belongings behind when they return from their dream. We have received complaints from customers who have hired dreams and arrive only to stumble over someone else's memory, or an abandoned Jungian archetype or, in one case, a 232 foot high bogeyman with electric teeth and laser-guided talons.

The Lost Properly Office have reported three items already brought in this morning: someone's appetite, someone's very nice faith in humanity and someone's job - although they might have just resigned from that one.

A quick plug now: we've still got plenty of lucid dreams, day dreams, even sweet dreams: not to mention a few well chosen nightmares in high fidelity super-reality-grade (digitally mastered onto Cro2 Metallic memory at 48kHz). All grouped together under one roof and classified according to Freudian psychology.

St. Pineal Day calculations.
Prepare for Staring Sunday.

St. Pineal's Day, the feast day of Trepanning's patron saint set for Staring Sunday Third after Neuralgia, is almost upon us once again but, because of its proximity to Drilly Day this year, celebrations will probably be very low key.

This Sunday marks the Saint's Day, according to an ancient and controversial formula based on the Lunar Tax Year. For the first time, new accounting techniques have actually placed St Pineal's Eve five days later. The strange twist of calculation followed new transitional guidelines based on the qualifying reliefs carried forward from the Solstice. Vernal Equinox will be declared net of any balancing apparitions.

If you think this decision is wrong, you may appeal to the St Pineal's Tribunal Meeting at The Shambles, Bell End, Trepanning TR∞, stating your name, telephone number and number of past lives.

In accordance with the symbolic thinking behind St Pineal's Day, the Feast will end with a simile alluding to a mental image of a massive firework display. Entry TR€5.00

Welcome to Drilly Day
Don't miss Live Commentary Later on Drilly Day

We'll be bringing you the news and views from Trepanning's biggest day of the year on our special page later today. Bookmark us now.

World class reporters like Norris Green, Sammy Spells and Clare Terrace will be right at the heart of the action, inside the events that make the stories that shape the news. Join us later and watch an important international story via the wonder of HTML, two old soup cans and a long, wet piece of string.

Drilly Eve News
Tonight at the Labyrinth

At Sundown, the Labyrinth on Drilly Eve is filled with the intoxicating sound of laughter. Candles and flares light the entrance and dancers arrive and perform the Quantum Limp Ceremony. It is a clandestine rite conducted under an elaborate set of procedures and protocols used to call sixteen dancers forward with a special key they mysteriously acquired yesterday.

The keys are brought together and open a box containing 256 slips of parchment with a phonetic sound and a number on each. Uttered in rapid succession and correct order, the result is a sentence so unutterably beautiful, nearby farm animals sigh. If even the slightest phoneme goes astray however, the results are disastrous. One year a rasping noise like a tin-plated Mallard being fed through a cheese grater was heard as far afield as Polpot, where all the fish spontaneously lost the knack of breathing through gills and died of massive habitat aversion syndrome.