Mars Explorer finds queue in village Post Office.
Scientists vow to "come back when it's less busy".

Trepanning's Martian Twin Town

Scientists at Trepanning's Mars Explorer Mission have found new evidence that life exists in a recently discovered twin town on the red planet. But the cock-a-hoop boffins were crestfallen when their Remote Explorer vehicle was unable to send back the conclusive clotted cream sample because of long queues at the Martian village's Post Office.

"I thought it was shite", said Lead Cream Scientist Angarrack Malabar, "we've spent thousands of Truros on this mission so we should have sent up some International Reply Coupons to get the samples back, but oh no, we can't have that, can we? Huh?"

"You bastards: I quit", added the former Lead Cream Scientist.

It is widely believed that Reply Coupons were mooted early on in the mission, but were ruled out on account of their weight. "On a mission of this sort, every last gram is crucial", says Head of Weight, John Bonham. "It's all payload, payload and payload. Nothing else matters. We had to scale down many of the Research Unit's experiments because they were just too heavy. Or too dull."

Flight Director Dave Bagel, formerly of Trepanobus Coach Tours, agrees: "Yeah. a lot of their experiments were far too heavy and there were some things that were much more important and, much more importantly, much less dull. Things like maps, wine gums and a stewardess to serve light refreshments, crisps, biscuits and hot and cold beverages."

Meanwhile, Mission Control have vowed to return next year with specially developed miniature rockets that can accelerate a single pot of clotted cream to escape velocity so that it can make its way back for scientific evaluation. Timing is crucial for this second mission as flight technicians are planning to slingshot the cream around Jupiter "for a bit of a laugh".

Quantum Botanists breed new anti-flower
Scientists "victims of their own success" as bloom feels resentment towards parents

Scientists at Trepanning's University of the Third Eye (UTE) have developed what they describe as the "last word in horticultural excellence", the Sentient Quantum Lotus. But the new plant, Quantantherus Antiflorabunda - "Marquis de Sade", was already at the centre of a controversy yesterday when three scientists working on the bloom spontaneously disappeared.

"At this stage", said a UTE spokescientist, "we're not sure where they are, but we do find their disappearance intellectually stimulating and are sure to work on the problem until its resolution - or at least until something more interesting comes up." Meanwhile, families of the missing botanists ate an entire meal without being reminded of the ecological importance of potatoes and were reported as being "devastated, but making the most of it".

The anti-flower - the world's first conscious bloom - was developed by light-speed cross-pollination in UTE's new White Magic Particle Accelerator earlier this year. The flower has no roots and survives purely on the energy it can derive from being alive, but botanists were not expecting it to bloom for at least another 23 years when it would assume full adult status and be ready to look after itself in the wild. In the meantime, botanists were planning to break the news about the bloom's origins to the plant at an "appropriate time". Caught out by the flower's rapid growth, scientists believe it may have overheard laboratory talk about its real parents and now harbours feelings of resentment and sociopathic behaviour patterns.

"I guess everything grows up fast these days", said Professor Hardy Polphetamine, in a statement issued yesterday, "and I suppose this is the kind of behaviour we have to expect of teenagers - it's not really their fault."

More problems emerged last night as scientists discovered the flower missing from the laboratory. It was found early this morning in Awsom Wells Wood, apparently drunk and systematically destroying other blooms "just for the hell of it". As the morning moves on, a team of behavioural therapists and plant training experts are moving in with a large pot, some horticultural twine and a collection of large stakes.
"It's the only language they understand", said an onlooker, "I say bring back National Service."

Huge bribe secures Council decision to reject corruption.
New recommendations to combat corruption were passed unanimously at last night's meeting of the Town Council following a massive offer of money to do so from Crisis Management - the Council's finance and efficiency consultants.

Crisis Management's briefing document Back Yourself Out From Sticky Corners by Lubricating Your Staff and Greasing Your Own Palm was published last year in the wake of failed attempts to locate the physical end of ex-Councillor DeLorean's expense accounts. An expedition of accountants sent to track down the final figures of the disgraced official's books returned empty handed, though several species of small mammal and a new type of bamboo were discovered along the way by expedition biologists.

In a further change to hit the Parish Noticeboard, the man who looks after the drawing pins now wants Mondays off and wishes to work on Thursdays and Fridays instead. After a marathon debate, lasting 12 hours, the council agreed having reached a decision without the aid of financial sweeteners or inducements of any kind.

Country Views.
With Enid Crumble.


This charming courtyard is the location of the Trepanning Beer Well, as found at the rear of the Hole in the Head public house. The picture was taken by our dear friend Mrs Arturo Polruan, who managed this quick snap before she was escorted from the premises on account of her over-zealous position on temperance and teetotalism.

The Well was previously thought to have been dug out by two generations of mediaeval monks using spoons as pennance for a minor incursion. However, Trepanning Diggers - archeologists who recently inspected the well - used the latest advances in scientific dating to declare that it has been here "for absolute yonks and then some".

The workings of the Beer Well are still something of a mystery. Last year, village Customs officials attempted to seize the well and send scuba divers in to locate what they believe is the source of the beer - a secret underground brewery manned by an army of spriggans and piskies. The Customs' secret brewery theory is widely believed to be the result of a tip-off from an habitual Hole in the Head regular as most drinkers at the pub routinely see piskies and hobgoblins all the time.

Parking arrangements: Trepanning Town Centre.
Pedestrianisation plans for The Shambles.

In keeping with the Town Council's 1972 Manifesto committment, Trepanning Town Centre has now been included in an Enviromental Improvement Area. Part of the work of improving the environment, the Pedestrianisation Phase, will involve removing all traffic from the streets around The Shambles and will start next week. The next phase of Environmental Improvement, to be completed by early next year, is the final de-pedestrianisation of the same area which will involve the final removal of all people from the streets.

Pedestrian access and entry to the area will be banned, but teleports at The Hole in the Head Inn and the East end of the Shambles will be provided for travel across the affected area. Passage takes approximately 22 minutes for the 200 metre journey. We are working on faster, "overclocked" models but these are less accurate and pose additional risk. Tomorrow's funeral of a junior lab assistant is in no way connected to this fact.

The new traffic measures are based on the findings of Hardy Polphetamine's groundbreaking 1970 doctoral thesis in the field of fuzzy values. The paper, The Mind of God and Town Centre Management. influenced both nuclear and unclear theory and led to the new science of Atomic Fuzzy Field Generation which supporters claim is so far ahead of its time, most of it hasn't been thought of yet. These new measures, however, are built upon tried and tested techniques we have learnt from our previous schemes.

Early incarnations of the theory were at the heart of several traffic flow schemes in the 1980s, when the conceptual framework had still to be fully worked out. As a result, many mistakes were made. A convoy of three beige Ford Fiestas were trapped in Eastern Close for 17 years while scientists struggled with the neutrino flow diagram from a collapsing White Dwarf. The White Dwarf was eventually proven to be in no way intrinsically or extrinsically linked to Eastern Close when the thoroughfare spontaneously became a supernova and the White Dwarf didn't.

In another scheme gone wrong, it is believed that there are still drivers trapped in Trepanning's Desperate Estate by a combination of No Waiting, No Stopping, One Way and No Through Road regulations. Food, fuel and mechanics are ferried regularly to the estate, where anti-matter traffic wardens patrol, threatening to implode the perpetrator of any Highway Code violation.

Teapots meet at the Off Centre Centre.
Tonight at 8 pm

Trepanning Energy Alternative Potential (Teapots) hold their AGM tonight at what the group describe as "a time of terrible glumness in energy issues". Organisers are hoping that the AGM will rally support for direct action against the new Tofu-powered Timebow at Folk Rock, commissioned in 1997 to celebrate the King's Balsa Jubilee in 2007. The new feature, created by Professor Ted Settee came on stream a month ago - four years ahead of schedule.

---

The Off Centre Centre now has the capability of supplying its own psychic power.

---

Speaking from his home, Teapots Head Organiser Andy Cabbage said, "The discovery of Tofu-power this year has been a disaster. I won't rest until Ted Settee and the rest of the team behind the discovery of Heavy Tofurium have 'Enemy of Planet Earth' tatooed across their foreheads. I'm willing to go to jail for my beliefs and have already instructed my solicitors to launch a night-time rocket attack on the Folk Rock Tofurium Compound if I am killed or detained by the quasi-crypto-fascist-backlash regime. I've taped them some New Model Army albums and they're pretty angry now and ready to carry out my wishes to the letter."

The Teapots' call to action comes shortly after the Off Centre Centre - the venue of tonight's meeting - announced its renewable energy program had made a breakthrough. "We have tapped enough Psychic Power to light up half of the town," said a Centre Spokeseer. "Unfortunately, it's mostly bad vibes right now because we generated it by driving a twelve metre cathode stake into an old Piskie burial ground and they're not happy at all. We've hooked it up to our Bad Vibes Unit and the BVU is discharging the negative energy as a Narrowband Bipolar Beam Emission and anyone who gets in the way of that can expect some tough shit to go down. We understood it hit a solicitors' office today, but there's no harm done."

Pensioners "excused from tolerance" as Human Rights Declaration announced
Festival gets go-ahead as Grey Power conditions set.

A music festival is set to go ahead in Chakra Fields next month in what is seen as a test for new Human Rights legislation introduced by Trepanning Town Council.

The application to hold the 12 day "Psychedelic Brass" festival from Crisis Management, the owners and managers of The Suicide Basoonists, Big Tromboner and Oboe and the Oh Nos is thought to be the first time that the new law has been tested. As required by the Trepanning Declaration of Human Rights, the Town Council invited opinions in last month's consultation period and have now taken aboard the views of the sole respondents, the local Pensioners' League, the Grey Power Massive.

The GPM have now officially exercised their right, under the terms of the Human Rights Declaration to a negotiated 'opt-out' of those parts of the Declaration that specifically require tolerance or recognition of diversity.

The following conditions - suggested by the GPM under their opt-out - will now have to be met by the festival organisers:

1. All stages to close, stalls to shut and music, singing, dancing and talking to cease at 3pm precisely.
   Trepanning has many residents who are pensioners and are therefore excused from taking on new ideas or being in any way flexible or tolerant of others.



2. No outrageous hair or clothing styles.
   Many Trepanniers are intimidated by what you do with your hair and clothes. Boys, please be considerate and limit your outrageousness to a sports jacket and casual slacks. Girls: remember that you will be a married lady by the time you become thirty. You wouldn't want to be sullied by an horrific social faux pas such as wearing a revealing vestment at such an early stage.



3. No body piercings.
   Please do not puncture any part of your body other than the ears that God provided the ladies with specifically for this purpose. Male earrings are unnatural and abnormal. Have you no shame?



4. No homosexuals are to be permitted to enter
   Prospective Conservative MPs may experience experimental "feelings" however if they have a note from their form master.



5. All participants must be electronically tagged.
   It is a sad fact that these kind of events attract an uncouth minority of participants - GPM figures suggest about 45%. In order for those who step out of line to be hunted down and punished in an appropriate and summary manner, electronic tags fitted with audible lie-detector alarms must be worn for a year after the festival.

Provided Crisis Management can guarantee that these guidelines will be followed, the Grey Power Massive will be minded to accept the sad inevitability of having to let the festival go forward, after all.

Cornish village found on Mars.
Trepanobus Coachworks to build Mars Mission Module.

Astronomers working at the Trepanning Observatory have discovered a set of features they believe to be a small Cornish village on Mars. The features, located in the 3,000 mile-long Valles Marineris trough system, perfectly mirror the structure and layout of a Cornish village though scientists are warning that evidence of life there may not necessarily follow the discovery.

However, the controversial discovery is only the latest to suggest life may exist outside of Trepanning. In 2002, a delegation of scientists petitioned the Town Council for funds to mount an expedition to find the legendary realm of Ingland. After receiving a substantial research grant, the scientists were found several months later in a back street cafe slumped over a pile of Starcake Crumbs and babbling like children. A thorough medical examination revealed the team had "lost their minds".

In 1998, astronomer Terry Towling discovered a race of tiny "Faraway People" in a minute distant observatory. He later realised he was on his own observatory roof looking through the wrong end of the telescope. The year after, Towling caused widespread panic when he spotted "an enormous, blurry entity that threatened to wipe the world away". After the panic had died down and the window cleaners were paid, Towling had all his communication devices confiscated and was banned from looking at the sky.

This time, astronomers expect that research will have to be funded by private money: "It seems likely that Council funds will not be forthcoming," said Observatory chief Helena Slaphappy, "that's why I was pleased to receive a generous offer from Trepanobus Coachworks to build a module for a Mission. Currently we're in negotiations about whether we would like cigarette stubbers on the rear of the seats so I guess we've got a long way to go."

World in Miniature tourist attraction creates tiny universe
Model Universe not a model after all, say experts.


The Petting Galaxy part of Tinyverse on preview night.
Scientists who work on the creation of short-lived micro-universes in the laboratory were left "fuming" yesterday when theme park owners, Trepanning World in Miniature, unveiled one and opened it to the general public for the next six months.

According to the World in Miniature leaflet, the new Tinyverse is a "self-contained mini-universe complete with museum, gift shop and creche held in a stone circle virtual arena powered by a critically collapsed core of super-heavy Tofu - otherwise known as a Tofar".

Scientists have, for years, been trying to build small universes in laboratories but have only succeeded in creating tiny blips of hardcore reality that are extremely dangerous to handle and, critically- say World in Miniature managers, not a fun place to be. "Whereas a typical lab universe costs billions to generate, is small and complex, the Tinyverse is brightly coloured, fun and costs less than 30 Truros for a family of four. Kids are encouraged to get involved with science at Tinyverse: where else can they feed black holes and get close to planets other than our petting galaxy?"

Scientists, many of whom stayed away from the unveiling, declared themselves "disgusted in the name of science". Professor Hardy Polphetamine from the the University of the Third Eye argued that the Tinyverse was irresponsible and unethical: "Those are real solar systems those kids are throwing into black holes, just because they're shrink-wrapped and labelled 'Quantum Munchies' doesn't take away the fact that billions of life forms perish every day at Tinyverse."

Trepanning World in Miniature responded today by adopting a new slogan: Billions of life forms perish every day at Tinyverse™. Admissions are growing rapidly, it has emerged.

Waiting Room waiting room queue times targeted.
Town stamps down on "reckless climate of patience" at long last.

The Town Council is pleased to announce brand new performance targets for the Town's underperforming Waiting Room on Knacker's Track. The room, a "contemplative retreat where withered souls may be replenished by reading heart-warming tales in magazines" has recently widened its brief to experiment with "fundamental questions of self, alter-self and advanced navel-gazing". During this time, waitings times have spiralled with a non-therapeutic waiting room planned specially to accommodate spiralling queues.

Councillor Arwennak Reawla said yesterday, "This reckless climate of patience and quiet consideration is ruining all of our lives and must be stopped. Once upon a time, we could all have fun," he said, "now it's all 'examine your motives, externalise your desires, breathe deeply, release your feelings and let go of your sphincters', errrmm... not that I've been, or anything, really."

A recent survey carried out by the Town Council revealed that Trepanniers have less and less time to be patient and that a chief cause was growing levels of impatience with time. The cause of this impatience was laid firmly at the foot of April's accidental addition of over twelve days to the calendar, when half the town was trapped inside the Waiting Room. A new appointments system, based on an untested directive of the town's science watchdog, OFFBOFFIN, caused further chaos as dates and times slipped in and out of diaries and many people met themselves in earlier and later queues. A self-assembly bookcase from a lifestyle superstore eventually corrected the twelve day imbalance and many Trepanniers left the Waiting Room without clear memories but an irrational fear of allen keys and sustainable pine.

Quantum Vortex Technician required for busy alternate reality.
Trepanning Town Council is seeking a wormhole plumber for its busy five-dimensional office.

Are you a dedicated Wormhole Plumber with a 6794 Vortician's Certificate and a willingness to tackle a level of quantum reality that would make Einstein cry in a corner? Do you have extensive experience in manipulating spacetime and dry-soldering universes together? Can you be in more than two places at one time, no matter what Newtonian Physics says?

You could be the person we need.

Reporting to the Director of Reality, Broderick Castaneda, you have specific responsibility for the "hard-plumbing" of Trepanning's network of arterial conduits, pipes, and funnels. You should be conversant with all applicable network standards such as PAN 903.11 (Psychic Aura Network), ChakraBus and Third iPort as well as ley line operating systems, 5-D servers and JavaScript. A sense of humour is essential, as Divine Revelation occurs on a daily basis.

Based in our five-dimensional hyperoffice you will need a good head for heights, widths, lengths, time and qxuiggle. Remuneration depends on experience and will usually be made directly into your KarmaPal account in a subsequent life, where applicable. Please apply in the first instance to Director of Reality, Council Offices, The Shambles, Bell End, Trepanning TR∞

Trepanning Guild of Mediums and Psychics presents
Annual Ectoplasm Bric-a-Brac and Jumble Sale.
Off-Centre Centre, Saturday 9am.

Throughout the year a great many items are garnered from beyond the veil by our members through the medium of ectoplasm, only to be substantiated in our mortal realm where they are left - like us - as empty containers when all utility hath expired. This unfortunately gives rise to an imbalance between the Lost World and ours and so the Guild of Mediums and Psychics holds an Annual Spectacle of Commerce whereby its members can distribute said chattels to an Eager and Perceptive public.

Upon crossing the Threshold of the Sale, Members of the Esteemed Public can acquire all manner of goods - each one derived from the Kingdom of Souls during a session of the high Art and Science of Table Rapping. Many of the samples are cast in this world into the rare and mysterious fabrics of ectoplasm, Bakelite and Linoleum - all manifestations of the dark dimension of departed souls.

The Earnest Man may browse, without any fear - save that of God Almighty - amongst a range of goods symbolically fashioned into various sundries by Restless Spirits who walk the Road to Forever. Sales Tax is not included.

A full range of light refreshment for the living is available, served by wailing banshees of the netherworld, alone in the long night with biscuits and tea. A Meritorious Selection of the Finest Foods may be ordered upon arrival by taking one's place in the chair of the Nutritional Auragraph. The resulting Bromide will be read a gastropsychic who will cook your meal and then serve it by telekinesis. Following last year's unfortunate accidents, we kindly request you collect your own cutlery.

Country Views
With Enid Crumble.


Apparition Suggestion

This is a rare picture of the strange lights in the sky around the Oldecliche archipelago of stones at the centre of Ringfield - sometimes incorrectly referred to as Area 23.

While some are busy weaving fanciful tales of alien encounters and visits from the gods, scientists have a far more convincing explanation for this amazing effect. Light from the sun (not pictured) is split into three sections by freak super-raindrops made of syrup measuring 12.5 kilometres across and suspended in the atmosphere of Venus. When the three parallel rays hit the atmosphere of earth, they are deflected slightly like a stone skimmed off a pond. The rays skim three times, leaving tiny atmospheric abrasions though which rare daytime moonlight can leak. These moonbeams, say scientists, gradually erode away the atmosphere and help to make the holes wider. The moonbeams, according to the scientists, are nothing to worry about because they are composed entirely of love.

New currency enters last stage of acceptance.
Trepanning Euro doing well, say fiscal experts.

Trepanning's new currency - the Trepanning Euro, or "Truro" for short - enters its final phase of implementation tomorrow as Trepanobank stop accepting all old money - including the Dollar, last year's new coin controversially formed from an amalgam of quartz and clotted cream fudge.

After the failure of last year's Dollar, all eyes were on the bank as it proposed the new money. Former Fiscal Council Chairman, Ulrich Kneebone, spelled out 22 conditions that the new currency had to fulfil before the final switch, including the delivery of "sample notes" to an unspecified address. "I need to personally check their suitability," said the Councillor, shortly before signing the go-ahead, discovering his long-lost twin and mysteriously disappearing after a pile of his clothes were found on Shady Cove Beach. His unaccountably rich twin was said to be distraught and "spending money with a heavy heart".

Trepanobank will be open first thing tomorrow morning at 10.30 am and will stay open until 3.15 pm in the evening. Staff have received special training on how to open their counter blinds and many fear it will be the busiest day yet in their late teens.

Ronan Keating, Branch Manager of Trepanobank's Shambles HQ said: "People ask us all sorts of questions like 'What is this charge for?' and 'Can I talk to a grown-up, please' and we just have to take it on the chin and adjust their credit history later. That's why I think tomorrow will be a success. Sorry? Currency change? Ummm... "

Anyone unable to make it to the bank tomorrow is advised to phone the 24-hour Currency Helpline, where they will find a recorded message featuring hysterical laughter and playground chants of "Your money is worthless, your mummy smells of poo, the bank will close, and then your nose, will smell your daddy too ".

Trepanning Timebow completed.
Astronomer Laureate puts finishing touches to new feature for sky.

Trepanning' s Royal Astronomer, Professor Ted Settee, has unexpectedly finished his ten-year project to create a Jubilee Timebow in the sky.

The Timebow.
Created above Folk Rock, the new feature was commissioned in 1997 to celebrate the King's Balsa Jubilee in 2007. Preliminary research indicated a ten year project span. It was finished yesterday - four years ahead of schedule - in an unexpected turn of events that even caught its creator Professor Settee by surprise.

"I was at the Folk Rock Observatory, just absent-mindedly firing neutrinos into the leftovers of a tofuburger, when all of a sudden something very bizarre happened. The tofu began to glow and the more particles I fired at it, the hotter it became until a rip opened up along its side and a cascade of light shot out. Next thing I knew, there were bap crumbs everywhere."

At first, the Professor wasn't sure how to make use of his discovery: "I was just going to invent Glo-fu - the Partially Edible Light Source™, but the enormous power contained within the tofu needed a serious application. It was then that I realised that the makers of it must already know of its power potential - that's why they subliminally warned us by making it look like plastic explosive."

"I took my findings to the manufacturers and they agreed to supply me with enough Heavy Tofurium to power a kilometre-wide electromagnetic hologram: it's about the size of a matchbox, but it weighs almost as much as a car."

Heavy Tofurium 643 is the densest food known to man, even surpassing Cement Snax and home made bread. When excited by neutrinos, HT643 emits a long, low howl and collapses in on itself forming a rapidly-spinning molten core that scientists refer to as a Tofar. Professor Settee has now harnessed the power of the Tofar in the Folk Rock Timebow.

"It's all a bit of a pity really," said the Professor, speaking yesterday, "they called off the Jubilee, because nobody else seemed all that interested."

Postal Service introduces new letterbox.
Public Service Announcement on behalf of the Glorious Postal Service of Trepanning

After a long period of research and development, the Glorious Postal Service of Trepanning - GPST - has unveiled a new, even faster postal service called Quantum Mail which will enable letters to be teleported anywhere in the village in an instant via a brand new network of letterboxes.

The new boxes, painted purple, have had to be introduced because of the very different nature of Quantum Mail, the levels of gamma radiation involved and the potential fire hazard. Also, the new boxes are a fraction of the size of the conventional red Bent Time models they will eventually replace. They take advantage of the very latest in miniaturisation technology and are fully compatible with NanoMail packets up to 5 centimetres wide. Larger, conventional items may also be sent, but must be torn into smaller pieces before posting. Folding items, however, may lead to unexpected results including, but not exclusively limited to: damage to the letter, failure of letter delivery, letter returned to sender or the opening of a logic vortex that encloses everything within the letter.

Other aspects of the new service are different to what we think of as conventional mail. The nature of first and second class, for instance. As is the case now, first class promises instant delivery but, as it is impossible to delay Quantum Mail for any length of time, second class mail will now have a 70 percent chance of bursting into flames upon arrival, thereby successfully replicating the inherent inconvenience of the second class service in a different way.

Trepanning TV delay agony almost over.
Issued on behalf of the Trepanning TV Service, Transmitter Division.

Artist's Impressionism
The Trepanning TV Service (TTVS) Transmitter Division is delighted to announce that its next project - the huge transmitter tower pictured above - will mean that television signals will be able to reach every home in the village.

TTVS, the newly privatised national network, has been making and broadcasting programmes for over twenty years, but until now have only been able to distribute via cable. Due to a lack of inward investment, cable subscriptions have been restricted to anyone living within 10 metres of their Anubis Parc Studios. Subscribers to their service - Stoutband CableVision Express - also supply their own one inch-thick co-axial extension lead and a special connector fashioned from a wine cork and a straightened paperclip. Subscriptions are paid monthly into an old bucket slung over the TV company's front gate.

After TTVS was sold to Poltescoes tlc this year, modernisation became a priority and a new transmitter was the obvious place to start. Engineers faced enormous difficulties finding a site for the transmitter in an Area of Outstanding Electromagnetic Beauty like Trepanning. Their principle concern was to avoid forming alignments or patterns with historic, archeological or psychic artefacts. A breakthrough came early last year, but construction work was halted when the mast, three standing stones, an old bakery and two drain covers formed an exact pattern that turned out to be the first accurate map of Human Consciousness.

Now it looks as though the long wait is finally over. The new 100 metre tower will be built in Fickle Fields next Summer.

Battle of Evermore Authentic Reenactment, Operatic and Dramatic Society AGM
This Thursday at the Off-Centre Centre 8pm

BEARODS are proud to announce their 800th Annual General Meeting. As ever, the meeting will take place under rigorously authentic dramatic conditions. The dress code is hand-made fur, leather or sackcloth. Knotwork is compulsory.

AGM Rules.
The meeting will follow BEARODS guidelines for historical accuracy. There will be one long oak table lit by candles and strewn with half-consumed chicken carcases and goblets of wine. Points of Order may be raised by jumping on the table wielding a Saxon broadsword or by threatening the Chairman with a dagger. If you have any questions you can table them by attaching them to crossbow bolts and firing them at a nearby tree.

Order of Events.
The AGM starts with a blessing read by the Baroness of Light played this year by Miss Avalon Vapours and a curse read by the Baron of Darkness, whose part is taken by Jim Petalforcer. Some of you may remember Jim and Avalon's first dramatic meeting in the BEARODS production of Ring Wraiths in Love last year where Jim played Demon No.4 and Miss Vapour's Hideously Deformed Corpse sung love songs to him until her heart was taken by crows.

The meeting will follow the Agenda, as detailed below.

Agenda

1. Blessing and Cursing
   
2. Minutes Read, Apologies, Cup of Blood, etc
   
3. This year's production casting: Lord Foul's Oklahoma!
   
4. Appointment of new Wardrobe Assistant.
   Following the tragic loss last year of Michaela Anubis who became embroiled in a portal behind the costumes for Poldark and the Seven Hounds of Hell.
   
5. Report on takings from Oh! What a Lovely Demonic Possession!
   
6. Any Other Business, Cup of Blood, etc

After the AGM, members are requested to take their places for this year's Reenactment which is Lord Terror's Siege of the Castle of Clouds. Much as we like to encourage members in their improv, could we keep the maniacal laughter down this year as we are in a residential area. Any further disturbance will mean we have to fight next year's battle Glowering Dark Shadows at Nolight Towers during daylight hours, which rather buggers up the reality, people.

Come to Shady Cove
Advertisement promotion
on behalf of SCIoTo - the Shady Cove Institute of Tourism


Simulated View.
Modern life is stressful. Work, travel, prayer and irritating family all take their toll, so why not get away and come to Shady Cove? Trepanning's very own resort conveniently situated by the seaside, Shady Cove offers breathtaking views of Folk Rock and 526 million litres of seawater for your optical astonishment. Who could ask for more?

You'll be in safe hands, too, with SCIoTo-bonded cliffside holiday homes*. The homes that house up to four visitors in reasonable comfort™. Marvel at the latest in doorbed technology - the french window that comes off its hinges to double as a bunk. And what about the ingenious cookerbed? A full size oven with a fold down door and built in headrest, light and fan for your convenience.

But that's not all. Every one of our holiday homes* comes with gas-powered satellite tv and a liquid-nitrogen fridge. Plus the amazing Electro-Chemical Toilet - a spin-off from the Manhattan Project, full details of use and fissionable payloads can be found behind the lead-reinforced gingham shield in the dinette area of the galley kitchen. Just think, all of this fantastic luxury can be yours in a holiday home* securely bolted to a cliffside cave with stunning views of the ground.

So, next time you're stuck behind a jack-knifed lorry of Tofu on Stalkers' Lane, when meditation is putting a downer on your day or when you've done something quite wrong and need to get away, think about Shady Cove - A short walk down the long path to happiness.™

Cliffside Caravans Quadratic Tariff Matrix
If you need help, please contact our call centre: Trained Tariff Mathematicians are waiting for your call.

Holiday Homes Available	July	August	Misty
Price per week	TR€800	TR€1200	TR€10
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Nadir	i/2=4xp	23	tr∞/0=7xt
Offal	la-la	ur	here

Tolerances ± 10% at STP.

* Your Holiday Home may be a caravan. We reserve the right to substitute a tin-shed with wheels of equal or greater value.

All Aboard the Shoppabus
Trepanobus tlc Monthly Shopping Special.

The Shoppabus
To celebrate the imminent start of works on the new Poltescoes Ringfield Hypershop, Trepanobus are proud to announce their new special monthly Shoppabus service to Ringfield.

In its distinctive livery of gothic paintwork and re-adhered chrome trim, the Shoppabus - with its climate-controlled environment* - will whisk you straight to Poltescoes from your nearest stop, returning just five minutes later for the ultimate in express shopping convenience. Meanwhile, our new Shoppa BusPlus Returna ticket caters for the leisure shopper and allows you to stay much longer, returning relaxed and unhurried on next month's service home.

Timetable

Route	Out	Return
Code	M	m
Ring Round	1000	1100
Anubis Parc	1002	1058
TREPANNING Bell End	1005	1055
Desperate Estate	1010	no
Waiting Room arr.	∞	1050
Off Centre Centre	1015	1045
Awsom Wells Parkway	1025	1040
POLTESCOES	1030	1035

* Environment controlled by climate outside the bus.

Code
M - Monthly.
m - monthly.
For return journeys, read up the right-hand column from behind an inverted mirror mounted in an optical pentaprism dangled from a camera obscura. You may also find it useful to re-attach your retinas in parallel before the outward journey.
Full Trepanobus Spacetimetable.

Last Orders at the Hole in the Head
Inn fitted out.

Notice is hereby given that the Hole in the Head Inn licensed premises will be closed for 48 hours from midday for its annual retrofit. We open again on Saturday lunchtime as usual for light snacks and heavy drinking for another year.

As any Hole in the Head regular will tell you, the Inn is open all year but has to undergo an intensive refit every 12 months just to keep up with fading fashions and outmoded decor. Recently, the success of the design movement known as Iconic Ironic has made our task even harder. Trite and tested banal surroundings specifically designed for our customers to feel comparitively stylish in can suddenly turn into retro chic modish espace d' vogue, instantly ruining the cutting-edge appeal of our customers' wardrobes in a single fashionable moment- hence the need for a retrofit.

We'd like to take this opportunity to thank our customers for the last year and apologise for the closure during these trying times. We hope that we can count on your support from Saturday lunchtime. Last orders.
Issued by The Landlord, The Hole in the Head Inn.

Adding another dimension to shopping.
Statement issued for, on behalf of and by Poltescoes tlc.


Serving Suggestion

Announcing Trepanning's first 23-hour hypermarket: Poltescoes.
Poltescoes are proud to unveil the future of retail in Trepanning. Three floors respectively devoted to Food, Non-Food and Sacred Hardware and comprising over 12 Cubic Parsec/Moments of Floortime volume, our Ringfield Hyperstore will be the largest retail operation ever seen in the village. So huge in fact that, as well as lower prices, we had to bend time and shoehorn in another four dimensions to get it all in.

So watch out for news in your local paper about the new Poltescoes.
Poltescoes - Your time, our space, whatta place.™

Planning Application TPA #0000001/a
Permission to develop retail premises at Ringfield

Notice is hereby given that Trepanning Town Council Planning Committee have been roused from their soft slumber to consider a planning application.
Poltescoes tlc are applying for permission for the construction of a hypermarket at Ringfield, known locally (and incorrectly) as Area 23. A subsequent application - TPA #0000001/b - has been lodged for a change of use/zoning from "Classified Official Top Secret Compound For Nefarious Goings-On" to "Retail Hypermarket with Psychic Restaurant and Parking".

Any objections should be raised, in the first instance, by nailing a letter of protest to the door of the Planning Committee at The Council Offices, The Shambles, Bell End, Trepanning TR∞ within 7 days of the date of this notice. Retrospective appeals will only be considered with the benefit of hindsight.

Stargate Operations tlc
Notice of License Renewal

Notice is hereby given that the Custodial License for the Stargate in Fickle Fields has been awarded, once again, to Stargate Operations tlc. Two other companies - Timedilation Industries and Porkdrill tlc - withdrew their bids last night when both their share prices collapsed - coincidentally at the same time. A further statement, detailing the collapse and its causes, will be issued later tonight.

In its bid to renew the license, Stargate Operations tlc gave assurances that its interest in the ancient artefact was purely as "a historical curio" and that they would not be attempting to reopen the facility which has been under scientific investigation since appearing in Fickle Fields in 1985.

In its annual report to Trepanning Town Council, Stargate Operations tlc dismissed witness claims of plasma plumes and malfunctioning electronic equipment in the area, noting that the reports were "hysteria gone mad". The Company claimed that the witnesses, fresh from a stint in the Hole in the Head Inn, had probably experienced some kind of alien abduction in what was a relaxed and otherwise enlightened state of mind. The Council then decided to reject the witness statements as "wild, unreliable and wrong".

The Council approved the Company's proposal to extend the exclusion zone around the Stargate on grounds of public safety. "There are all sorts of mineshafts in the area," said SO CEO Ian Path, proposing the zone, "we wouldn't want anyone to fall down them without good reason."

The Council agreed and awarded the prestigious contract at midnight in a purely coincidental meeting in The Shambles Conveniences at Bell End.

SO, tlc is a wholly owned subsidiary of Time Tunnel, Inc.

Thursday, May 15, 2003
Which Craft?
Morwenna Smith dabbles in country crafts and traditions.
Hardcore Pixie Pete.

A much-feared character from fairy folklore, when Hardcore Pixie Pete pays you a visit, all the food in your house turns into lead-reinforced concrete overnight.

It wasn't always so. Before Pixie Pete went Hardcore, he was a likeable rogue, playfully tying the master of the house's shoelaces together or waking the children by pulling their hair at night.

But things went dark for Pete. He felt guilt, then crippling low self-esteem, then combined the two and felt his guilt itself suffered from an inferiority complex. Pixie Pete soon became vindictive just to boost his inferior guilt complex.

Once Hardcore Pixie Pete gets into your house, matters progress quickly. Within days you will discover tiny particles of cement where crumbs once were. After a week, your fridge will be full of patio slabs. A few days later, your larder will collapse under its own weight.

For all his dark power, Pete can be deterred from entering your house by burying a domestic mangle and a pair of cycling shorts under your doorstep. Many specialist builders offer this service commercially and will even throw a letterbox blessing ceremony or some karmic plumbing in for free. You could also try nailing a dead chicken to your door (this deters many other unwanted visitors too).
Chanted by Morwenna Smith

Notice of Ley Line closure
Tremenheere-Awesom Wells

Due to heavy engineering works, the above section of ley will be closed for 36 hours from 18.30 TTime tonight. Please tread an alternative path.

In line with the Council's duty to maintain paths, passages and ways in the town, to keep them unobstructed by litter and clear of pollution, notice is hereby given that excerpts from The Celestine Prophecy may only be quoted very sparingly along public channels. The Council is concerned that, without a working analytical converter being fitted, the path will become - as a matter of coincidence - polluted with menure of some kind.

Meanwhile, following the Drilly Day Cofechyrch Ceremony, spiritual resurfacing and renewal works on Ring Round will require that The Bridge Across Forever is subject to contraflow. At times of peak traffic, your symbolic thinking may be controlled by signals.

Lost Belonging
Announcement on behalf of Drilly Dreams Sleep Library

Can we just make an appeal to all our customers not to leave personal effects and belongings behind when they return from their dream. We have received complaints from customers who have hired dreams and arrive only to stumble over someone else's memory, or an abandoned Jungian archetype or, in one case, a 232 foot high bogeyman with electric teeth and laser-guided talons.

The Lost Properly Office have reported three items already brought in this morning: someone's appetite, someone's very nice faith in humanity and someone's job - although they might have just resigned from that one.

A quick plug now: we've still got plenty of lucid dreams, day dreams, even sweet dreams: not to mention a few well chosen nightmares in high fidelity super-reality-grade (digitally mastered onto Cro2 Metallic memory at 48kHz). All grouped together under one roof and classified according to Freudian psychology.

St. Pineal Day calculations.
Prepare for Staring Sunday.

St. Pineal's Day, the feast day of Trepanning's patron saint set for Staring Sunday Third after Neuralgia, is almost upon us once again but, because of its proximity to Drilly Day this year, celebrations will probably be very low key.

This Sunday marks the Saint's Day, according to an ancient and controversial formula based on the Lunar Tax Year. For the first time, new accounting techniques have actually placed St Pineal's Eve five days later. The strange twist of calculation followed new transitional guidelines based on the qualifying reliefs carried forward from the Solstice. Vernal Equinox will be declared net of any balancing apparitions.

If you think this decision is wrong, you may appeal to the St Pineal's Tribunal Meeting at The Shambles, Bell End, Trepanning TR∞, stating your name, telephone number and number of past lives.

In accordance with the symbolic thinking behind St Pineal's Day, the Feast will end with a simile alluding to a mental image of a massive firework display. Entry TR€5.00

Welcome to Drilly Day
Don't miss Live Commentary Later on Drilly Day

We'll be bringing you the news and views from Trepanning's biggest day of the year on our special page later today. Bookmark us now.

World class reporters like Norris Green, Sammy Spells and Clare Terrace will be right at the heart of the action, inside the events that make the stories that shape the news. Join us later and watch an important international story via the wonder of HTML, two old soup cans and a long, wet piece of string.

Drilly Eve News
Tonight at the Labyrinth

At Sundown, the Labyrinth on Drilly Eve is filled with the intoxicating sound of laughter. Candles and flares light the entrance and dancers arrive and perform the Quantum Limp Ceremony. It is a clandestine rite conducted under an elaborate set of procedures and protocols used to call sixteen dancers forward with a special key they mysteriously acquired yesterday.

The keys are brought together and open a box containing 256 slips of parchment with a phonetic sound and a number on each. Uttered in rapid succession and correct order, the result is a sentence so unutterably beautiful, nearby farm animals sigh. If even the slightest phoneme goes astray however, the results are disastrous. One year a rasping noise like a tin-plated Mallard being fed through a cheese grater was heard as far afield as Polpot, where all the fish spontaneously lost the knack of breathing through gills and died of massive habitat aversion syndrome.

Country Views
With Enid Crumble

Time for us to take some time off from the Town's busy Drilly Day preparations and turn our minds to Mrs Ricardo Escobar's delightful picture of Cofechyrch. The way she has captured the air of beautiful desolation of this mysterious monument makes us curious as to what it may have once been. It almost looks sacred.

Over the years, many theories have been put forward as to its origins: Spaceport; place of ritual sacrifice; ancient calendar; slide rule and Mesolithic Bingo Hall. We'll probably never find out, but the enormous ritual image of a primitive thermometer found nailed to one of its walls have led scientists to theorise that it may have once been a huge oven.

The sticky bun of time
Professor Hardy Polphetamine attempts to explain recent events in Leyman's terms.

Imagine the universe as a one hectare sheet of black rubber with a single twist in it and an egg timer placed on each end. An Owl flies from one end of the sheet to the other constantly while a small, perfectly round lump of putty the weight of Jupiter rolls around a point at the centre of the sheet. Set both egg timers to go off at the same time and tie the universe to a tree that makes no sound. You must then set fire to the tree and watch the universe disintegrate.

In this analogy, the thick smell of burnt rubber is God. His wisdom is represented by a circling, flaming Owl. Despite years of complex and exotic mathematical formulae, we still have no idea what the tree represents, though we do know that the model simply does not work without it. We call this the Tree Effect.

A mysterious activation of the Tree Effect is what caused the events that has led us to 12 days and 21 minutes of continuously looped time. It is as if the Owl is laughing at science. Many scientists are quite depressed by the Tree Effect and have begun to systematically fell trees in an effort to dislodge Owls as well as destroy the universe. We will not tolerate this ignorance about the things we don't know. If a tree falls in the forest and it does not make a sound, science will look worse for it.
posted by Professor Hardy Polphetamine at 97:12 T-Time


Againday, April 23, 2003
Town Time stops still until Drilly Day
Announcement: Please adjust your clocks

It has come to the Town Council's attention that the recent recalibration of time before Drilly Day has unsettled the mind of Trepanniers and interlopers alike.

One of the difficulties is that the hexadecimal week, introduced by the Council in an attempt to account for a total of 12 days and 21 minutes, is just too confusing to be useful. We have also heard concerns expressed by representatives of Trepanning's Glorious Postal Department that some of their services are being adversely affected. This applies especially to their Bent Time Delivery option which ensures the successful delivery of mail the day before it was posted. Currently, mail sent via this service may arrive up to a week before it is due, thereby losing all its context of urgency.

The Council will phase out these hexadecimal weeks during the next #07.F212 days. Days preceding Drilly Eve, April #FD±3A$ will now revert, via Widdershin's Transposition Principles. Dates after Drilly Day will move the other way. Please try to avoid using a mirror during this time as the results may be too dizzying for words.

These changes are temporary, but the Council will permanently correct the extra dates by dumping unused time in Fickle Fields, subject to planning permission being granted later in the year. In the meantime, a complex of garden sheds has been erected around the Off-Centre Centre and we warmly encourage you to take up some kind of futile occupation in one of them. A number of schemes have been started for your convenience: Choose from reconditioning radiograms; learning the harmonica; voting in an election or installing Linux on a toaster. Remember: Just two men, each attempting to repair a bakelite appliance in a garden shed, can fritter away 18 hours of time between them.
posted by Trepanning Information Ministry at 75:12 T-Time


Notagainday, April 23, 2003
Town mourns first ever cancelled Drilly Day
Clare Terrace sends us this report from a Drilly Day that was not to be...

An atmosphere of sadness tangible yet, somehow, intangible hangs over the spoon-shaped vale of Trepanning's woes this morning, writes Clare Terrace.

A lone bell chimes its mournful clang-clang-clang from The Shambles, as if, somehow, it was the metallic heart that beats at the very middle of the Town's tangible loss.

For today was to be Drilly Day which, in a very real sense, is the biggest day in the calendar. Though not literally, of course, as it is set in 18 point Grotesk Fancynancy and is therefore the same as the other dates.

And among the goodtownsfolken, a wistful sadness of dejavu still prevails, for, less than 72 hours ago, today would have been the day after the day that was the day after tomorrow and now it is a fortnight the day before yesterday. Their loss is almost unexplainable. The bell clangs again and, in a very real and literal sense, it will rust in a pool of tears.

This is Clare Terrace for Drilly Day Live, determined and dispassionate while all around me are weeping.

Drilly Day Bus Timetable Changes
Issued on behalf of


As usual at this time of year, Drilly Day forces us to suspend all bus services with effect from 1200 TTime on Drilly Eve - May 4 until 4pm on Drilly Dayafter, May 6, where we will run a Sunday service subject to finding a few of our drivers not in an advanced state of enlightenment.

As always, stand facing the bus when you hear it approaching and raise your arm if you wish to be excused from boarding. Please have the correct change ready and do not talk to the driver or otherwise distract his attention while he concentrates on issuing your ticket. Do not stand forward of this notice.

Drilly Day Postponed until May 5
Drilly Day Council Announcement

Owing to events wildly out of our control, Drilly Day will, for the first time, be postponed this year. After a meeting of the Drilly Day Council and in accordance with precise numerological precepts that, in the words of Professor Hardy Polphetamine of the University of the Third Eye, "date back yonks", a new date of Monday 5 May has been set: 05052003.

The change was forced upon the Council by recalibration works carried out after Mrs. Uren's Curved Time Oven was involved in a serious incident. During experiments to create Vanilla Hyperslices, a ring doughnut was fed into one end of the apparatus by mistake and a patisserie violation occurred. Students of the Quantum Bakery School are said to be suffering from clinical deja vu as clocks are set back twelve days and 21 minutes following/before/after/befafternow the incident.

Semantics experts are now trying to clear the building of past participles and improper tense inflections that may aggravate time continuums while allowing more generous sell-by dates. Savoury items have not been affected.

Mrs Uren's Quantum Bakery Course
Update

Mrs Uren's Quantum Bakery Course continues tonight at the Off-Centre Centre amid renewed interest in how her discovery of bent time and curved matter can help crack many of the dilemmas posed by puff pastry or, even, the black art of souffle.

Each of the evenings starts with snacks fashioned from lightly-tossed quantum formulae and continue until generally accepted levels of gamma radiation persist for long enough to start the ovens. Each student must then remove all metallic items from their pockets as two vanilla slices are loaded into the cyclotron. The slices are then drawn apart by a distance of four miles and fired at one another at the speed of light.

By careful observation and measurement of the Hyperslice, it is imbued with the possibility of being both delicious and real. Only then, is it ready for downsampling into Mrs Uren's Fancy Tin.

A course of six lectures costs TR€ 25.00.

Drilly Day: Live Coverage
All the action straight to your desktop.

If you've ever wanted to come to Trepanning's Drilly Day, but either you can't afford the fare or your species is not sufficiently advanced enough to understand our public transport space-timetable, then you won't want to miss exclusive coverage of the big day right here - the Town Website - on the 23rd April.

All through the day, our correspondents will report on the dances, the customs and the traditions that make Drilly Day the most talked-about day in a Trepannier's calendar.
Join us for the Drillathon: Our coverage commences at 0825 T-Time (GMT +20 minutes) and lasts until the last dance at 16.30.

Feast of St Pineal
Holiday Arrangements

This year's St Pineal's Day will controversially be held five days before St Pineal's Eve, according to clerks working the arcane formulae used to calculate the date each year. The Saint's Day is to be held on Staring Sunday Third after Neuralgia and, in keeping with the symbolic thinking behind the Feast, will end with a simile alluding to a mental image of a massive firework display.

Followers of St Pineal, Patron Saint of the Third Eye, laid down a complex set of instructions to follow which are based on the movements of constellations and the GPS coordinates of every cow "pie" on Fickle Fields during the lunar tax year.

Teams from the audit office are generally handed the long and complex task while members of the Council patiently catch up on administrative work including document shredding and issuing warrants against their colleagues.

The actual origin of the formulae remains a total mystery, but St Pineal himself was thought to be a travelling missionary from the state of Myopia, whose miraculous third eye vision proved far too metaphorical to be trusted near the edge of high cliffs.

Trepanning Set To Grow by a Third By End of Current Geological Era
Scientists accused of hyperbole and "gigantic exaggerations that will send them to Hell".

Trepanning demographic scientists have issued their strongest warning yet of the population boom threatening the town. A town, they say, where growth will be out of control if new housing is not approved soon.

But Housing Chiefs, loyal to the Town Council, insist that the report - paid for by local developer Bob Goblin - is full of "exaggerated claims and unsubstantiated stuff". In particular, the Council are pointing out that the current geological era - the Cenozoic - will not end for at least another 65 million years and that makes the matter far less urgent than the Council's priority program to find a replacement Sun.

"We're not saying that it won't happen," said Council Officer Derek Uren, "it's just that we'll eventually have to build these houses in the dark and that looks less likely, given the price of electricity these days."

The apocalyptic warning comes as pressure on rural housing has hit an all-time high. It's widely believed that many interlopers wish to settle in the village, but are being put off by force-fields and the laws of quantum mechanics. In the last year, however, the town's immigration rate rocketed when Fly Flynn fell into a Mobian Paradox Loop and arrived here by mistake.

Now, with immigration at an all-time high, house prices have gone through their own roof according to local realtor Mongle-Hawds.

"Give me your money," says Agent Tim Mongle, "and, you never know, we might find something you can afford. We'll be in touch."

Quantum Bakery Course with Mrs Uren
News from the Adult Education Committee
We are delighted to announce that, once more, Mrs Uren has returned from the back of her curved-time oven to present another series of lectures on Quantum Cookery.
This time, the emphasis is on traditional baking and Nan Uren will, as ever, pass on her infectious enthusiasm and knowledge of specialist cakes, pastries and savouries like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Sponge and Schrodinger’s Fancies.
Participants should bring basic utensils, flour and baking powder, as well as a Moulinex Particle Beam Accelerator and a locked box containing what may or, indeed, may not be a dead cat.
The course of six lectures costs TR€ 25.00.

Notice of By Election
Trepanning Town Council Legal Notice
Notice is hereby given that the Ward of Awesom Wells, recently vacated at terminal velocity when Councillor DeLorean fell off Shady Cove Cliffs, is open to election by popular vote.
Candidates must be proposed and seconded by persons of good character and standing who, in turn, will be examined by a panel of proctologists and smut doctors to ensure that there is no sleight of hand involved. A Certificate of Belonging will be required for all in-comers whose families have lived in Trepanning for less than 600 years.
Trepanning Town Council